Random scoops of my mindsoup:)

Doctorandus

2011-05-31T20:48:00.000+02:00

[scoop] Ok, for once a Dutch title! MSc is too short as title, and Master of Science sounds way too flashy if I write it without abbreviating.. Plus doctorandus (the Dutch equivalent for MSc) implies that you still have to become a doctor, which leaves room for growth, I like that! And yes, this title is just as it implies: [/scoop]

From tomorrow on I finally have earned the right to title myself Ellen Tonkens, MSc, or drs. Ellen Tonkens! Oh the awesomeness! Not that I'll ever use it, except for on my CV, but still. Acknowledgment for all this hard work I've done over the past years :)

I was going to make another "it's finished" post or something of that sort, but since I already did that at the first AND the final version of my thesis, finishing the rest of the study just doesn't seem all that different. And besides, those "finishes" before made me realize nothing is ever really finished. You finish a part, another part starts, the growth never stops.

Even though it's a symbolical end of my study, and with that, the start of a whole new part of my life, it feels like everything is just getting started. And I don't feel like I'm going to stop learning at all! Just the idea alone of never learning again fills me with boredom. Imagine the development would stop here, eww! But MSc does mean I finally have my pass to a decent income and finding a job that really suits me! Ooooh yay! :D

So here's to finishing things, to new beginnings, and that we may never stop growing! לחיים!

The last bits!

2011-05-10T21:54:00.002+02:00

Dear friends! I'm sorry if I don't reply to mails or messages right away, but I'm so busy lately that I hardly see my laptop, except for when I'm working.. And when I'm not working I'm glad to just have some quiet time or an awake moment to spend with Adrian..

It seems so long ago that I had so much free time I didn't know what to do with it. Now I don't even have time to write, and I don't see my parents (or cat, or friends, or boyfriend) as much as I'd like.. Internship coming to an end this month, and finally going to apply for my masters degree! And a job! (Any suggestions there are welcome btw) Ok, no wonder I'm feeling like I could use a holiday with all this going on.. Problem is that I'll go bankrupt very quickly if I don't find a job soon.. And I don't do well on all that pressure!

How I'd love to get this all over with, have my diploma and a nice job, and enough money to be able to think of booking holidays without worrying about paying rent.. Let's just hope its all closer by than it seems right now.. Guess its true what they say about the last bits being the toughest ones, but I'm so close! All this stuff I've been longing for so badly for the past years are almost within reach! It's amazing :D

And with that, I go back into my selfprotecting ignore-the-world-mode. Just thought it'd be nice to at least explain it. And it gives me some peace of mind, knowing that I explained my not so social behavior lately:) Give me some time, if all goes well, I'll be alive and kicking and graduated in June! Now only that job left to worry about.. And again, all suggestions are welcome!

Routine vs. disruption

2011-03-07T20:46:00.002+01:00

I've had an interesting thought for a few days now, but I'm not sure if it's going to be as interesting in blog-form as it is in my head. But if it's something that I can keep in my head for a few days, then it's probably worth writing about, so I'll just give it a shot:)

Routine. Actually, the contrast between routine and "non-routine". It started with realizing my life is getting into a routine again, since I'm getting more used to my internship and everything that has been going on lately. It feels all safe and normal again. Which made me think of what it sometimes feels like when the routine is broken: after a breakup, after changing jobs, after finishing a study or other big things. On a holiday. When big things change.

It makes me feel so much alive! An endless world of possibilities! Even though it's all deadscary, you can do whatever you want, what you REALLY want! It forces you to think of what it is that you really want, because there are simply too many things you can choose from. All the dreams you've safely put aside because you settled for safety and stability are pulled out by a sudden change. Most of the times, a change you wouldn't have dared to make yourself if circumstances wouldn't have forced you to. But still, isn't it the best feeling in the world?

And no, I'm not suggesting that we all quit our jobs now and break up our relations. But I do suggest that we don't forget about this feeling. At least I hope I never will.

[scoop] It's also like I never really want to grow up. Of course that depends on what you consider grown-up. For me it is not giving in to society's wishes and always staying close to your true self. Do things because you like them, and not because people do or don't approve of them. You can never please them all anyway. [/scoop]

So, back to disruption. Because that's what it is. If having your life suddenly shaken up by events makes you (or at least me) feel alive, doesn't getting back into the routine mean you die a little? That sounds so horrible! I know it's not realistic to think that I'll keep making big changes all my life, but it's so tempting. However, routine does have its upside too. I do really well on a regular sleep-wake schedule. I do cool work. Soon I will finally have a steady income. And it's just natural to settle down eventually. But the thought of hiding away dreams and dying a little just makes me feel uncomfortable.

There must be a way to make this go hand in hand, right? Wake up every day, going to work, but still feeling like you're on top of the world. Making big plans, having dreams. Knowing you can still do the things you've always dreamt of doing, and actually pursuing those dreams.

[scoop] Which reminds me of one of my first blog posts, kind of similar to this one > *click* [/scoop]

[scoop] Oh and also, of this mail my dad sent me when I was in Israël, pursuing one of these dreams. I wanted to go, saved up, and just went. Really surprising how fast I got the money, considering I had a really crappy job back then. That just proves that anything can be done, as long as you really want to. Anyway the mail. It has as subject, "Hey el, congratulations...", which continued in the message with "...on your ability to pursue and realize your dreams! Oneprouddad". It still makes me smile when I see it. Probably because I never want to lose that ability. I want to go again!! [/scoop]

And why not? Getting a job only makes those dreams come closer. Finally an income to pay all that travel from! I think it's just the fear of change that keeps us. We'll make up all kinds of reasons to not go, when there should be only one good reason to go. Because I want to, and it makes me happy. In the end, isn't that all that matters? And in case I'll ever forget that, I'll have this blog to remind me of it :)

19 things I hate about you

2011-02-15T23:36:00.002+01:00

It's been quite the eventful Valentine's day this year.. It was just another day at work, and I was having a great day! Until I was working at the office at the end of the day, and the doorbell rang. I opened the door, and there were flowers delivered, for me. Not only was it very awkward to be the only one having something delivered at work, in the third week of my internship, but also, the fact that they were from a guy I'm not in love with (and that I already told him that the last time he gave me flowers) made it even worse.. I would've been just fine with getting nothing, but this was just a cruel reminder of reality: flowers from the wrong guy = no flowers from the right guy. Yes, I know that getting one doesn't necessarily exclude the other, but that just wasn't the case here:P

Anyway, since I didn't feel like taking them home, but they were much to nice to throw away, the thesis lab now has a nice new decoration! Of course, today everyone asked who the flowers were from, which eventually lead to me and my colleague talking about men and relations. And she asked me what kind of guys I like.. It's hard to answer that! There's always the spark. No matter how awesome a guy is, if there's no spark, he's not the guy for me. And most of the guys that fall in the category of potential guy are already taken, gay, or have unresolved issues.. Yes, it sounds prejudiced, but it keeps turning out to be like that.. And, like the scientist I am, I'll just hold on to this theory until someone comes up with a better one.

So isn't there a specific type of guy I'd fall for? I could list a whole bunch of things - on top of sparks - that I look for in a guy, and I'm pretty sure I'd end up falling for someone completely different.. But there must be something I have learned from my 10 years of boyfriends-and-dating-experience, right?

So, in partial answer to the unanswerable question, and to whoever it may be,

10 19 things I hate about you:

I hate it when you piss me off, simply because I care about whatever it is you said

I hate it when you correct my spelling mistakes, or if you own me in a discussion

I hate it when you don't immediately give in to whatever it is I want from you

I hate that I can depend on you, it's so much safer to just depend on me

I hate that you can come up with more crazy-original gifts than I can

I hate that sometimes you pay more attention to my cat than to me

I hate it when you passionately keep talking about things you like

I hate it when sometimes you act so confident it's almost cocky

I hate it when you sometimes understand me better than I do

I hate it if you leave me speechless and give me shaky hands

I hate it when you're mysterious or say ambiguous things

I hate it when you're wiser and more mature than I am

I hate it when you tell me the truth and confront me

I hate it when you're so damn annoyingly smart

I hate it when you see right through me

I hate it when you have huge dreams

I hate it when you take control

I hate it when you look great

I hate it when you're right

(and no wonder that guy is hard to find, that list is way too long!)

In between

2011-01-27T17:00:00.002+01:00

Ok, screw my 2010/2011 blog, I feel like I should make something awesome out of it, and it's just not happening.. And by now, there are more important things going on to write about so I'll just write about that. Or both, hmmm.. I could just make a 2 in 1 blog out of this.. But then people would probably run away at the sight of a huge mass of words, so I'll keep them separate:)

Anyway, first things first, here and now! I'm in between a lot of things at the moment. Pretty big changes going on and I hardly have time to think about it, since everything connects almost seamlessly.

[scoop] Wow, who'd have thought I would ever get this good at planning things? My 3rd class high school mentor would be so proud of me! I remember I almost hit her once coz she told me to "plan plan plan!", and I am a very harmless creature! The whole concept of planning just always repulsed me.. Because I thought there would never be room to do spontaneous things.. And that just makes me feel so much not alive:S But I think I finally got the hang of it:) Turns out that when you plan things right, you can completely relax in the time you're free, instead of always having to worry about stuff that still needs to be done. Thank the one who invented smartphones! [/scoop]

Ok, almost seemlessly, a few days in between.. In one week time, not only did I manage to finish and hand in my scription, but also finished my job at the bookstore I've worked for over two years.. And next week I'm starting my internship! That's two pretty big parts of my life, closed! And a whole new phase beginning! Such a weird idea, especially because it's all happening so quickly.

No more serving customers, which I've been doing even longer than those two years since I've worked in stores before that too.. Or served people in some other sidejob, cleaning, restaurant, telemarketing.. And now I finally get to work in what I've studied for, how awesome is that! No more having to get up at 5.30am to open the store on Wednesdays, no more working on weekends! No more hanging around at work after my shift, simply because we were having fun talks and I had the noon off anyway. Going home would mean having to buy groceries and clean my place, and that didn't really seem so appealing after having worked seven hours straight. And no more bookstore also means no more relaxing at 8am with coffee and diary, coz there was simply really not that much to do all morning.. That's where most of my scoops went for the past months..

[scoop] Shame I didn't blog them, but they're only cool in the rush of the moment, when I'm thinking out loud on paper.. Somehow posting them now would be like writing history, and I'd like my blog to stay up to date.. Who knows, someday I might write a book about my diary, and you'll get to read it then.. About 15 years of writing so far, and still counting. Man, that would be a thick book! I'm just still trying to figure out in what form to do it, in order to not make a complete fool out of myself, and make sure nobody I wrote about will recognize the stories.. Yep, try to depersonalize a diary, it's pretty hard;) Maybe I should only take out the "bloggy" parts and make a big mindsoupscoopbook (now that's a cool word for hangman nobody would ever guess).. That could actually work! But the fun part of my diary is seeing the whole personal development, which brings me back to the problem of depersonalizing it.. Yep, haven't figured it out yet.. It would be a good source for a blogstyle book too though.. [/scoop]

And, the thing that took up quite some of my blogs over the past years, no more thesis worries! Typing "research" or "study" into the searchbox on my blog just gave me this big smile, I almost forgot how bloody much effort I've put into this. And now it's finished! I can't believe I finally made it! Though I don't really dare to believe it till after my presentation next week Thursday, where I'll also get my grade.. Everyone is free to come by the way, if you're interested, just ask me and I'll give you the time and location. I'll be presenting it in Dutch though, since I'm still a Dutchie. I think the subject is complicated enough for the listeners to take in without having to translate my English.. I'm pretty sure I'm more stressed about the grade than the presentation, lol.. Such a perfectionist, I'm afraid that will just never change.. And I wouldn't even want it to:)

Funny thing is, even though I've blogged several times that I am not a researcher and that I hate all the nitpicky rules, the internship I'm going to do will also consist of (*drumroll*) doing research... Oh, the irony! But even though I do hate all the nitpicking, there is always my curiosity.. I'm so looking forward to it! Finally being able to bring all that psychology theory into practice will be awesome. And it could actually give useful results! And just being able to say, look, I've researched this, and this is the result. Priceless!

Which reminds me, I should put a link to my thesis here.. Feel free to comment if it brings up any questions :)

And, on a formal note: Yes, please let me know if you plan to use it or quote it, I've worked very hard on it and I would like the credit I deserve! Even though I doubt many psychologists will read my blog, you can never be careful enough when it comes to copyright, especially when you put things on internet like this.. That's at least what they hammered on throughout my whole study, and I believe that is the only way to go when it comes to writing. And actually, that goes for everything in life, not only writing. Give everyone the credit they deserve. You may have noticed I also refer to the source whenever I quote or link something, It's just a matter of showing respect to the "owner". Of course there is no way to check this, but I believe you'll do the right thing:)

So, since I'm in between, no cool ending line in this blog. (Ok, also coz I really need to get to the supermarket by now or I won't have food tonight..) Updates will follow, hopefully a bit more often than the past months. We'll see how inspired I am!

Shocking

2010-12-29T09:34:00.001+01:00

Just saw my first junk ever, up close in my store.. He kept miscounting his money and repeatedly said he had to score.. I (naive as I am) asked him why, and what would happen if he didn't score. He just said that he had to, and that not scoring was not possible.. After a while I realised he was just going to stand at my counter trying to count his money all day. And since other customers didn't seem too comfortable with him around, I asked him to go..

But then he sat down in the entrance under the warm air curtain to count his money again, and again, and again... I didn't really mind him there, he wasn't in anyone's way so I left him there for a bit.. It's pretty cold outside and I thought it would be nice if he could at least be warm for a few minutes.. But after a while he had the money spread around him, curled up on top of it and fell asleep.. By then, he had been in the store for over half an hour, so I woke him up..

He looked all confused, asked how late it was and said he had to go score.. I told him he wasn't supposed to sleep in here, and asked if he couldn't go to a shelter or something.. He said he had a home, so I told him it would be best if he left the store and went home. I helped him get his things together, he apologized for the trouble and off he went...

Can't help but wonder how and when he'll manage to kill himself.. Cold, disease, or an overdose? And how would his life have been before he got addicted? Shocking how messed up someone can become.. Please don't ever let me get that low :(

Knight of Pentacles

2010-12-24T23:32:00.003+01:00

't is mooi
't is klaar
't is goed
't is gedaan*

Yes, the moment I've been waiting for for years now... I sent in my scription today! But somehow I'm not feeling like I'm finished yet. At least some sleep to catch up on and Christmas to celebrate before I get the final feedback. Hopefully he'll at least mention if the research is enough to pass with.. That's where I'll celebrate.

For now, I'm so exhausted from the past few days that I'm probably going to catch up on sleeping at least the first whole day of Christmas..This morning I actually woke up, somehow mistaking the sound of my alarm for a table (I know it sounds twisted, that's just the way my head works in halfsleep), and I was sure I should switch the rows and columns because it looked bad.. Yes, scriptionholic much.

I kind of feel like I'm in this vacuum now, it's actually not such a nice feeling.. Insecurity about if the thing I handed in is good enough, already realizing I left so many loose ends and stupid mistakes because of time pressure.. Being deadtired, and having no idea on what to do with all this extra free time till the start of January. And obviously, I turn out to be a researcher, since I've finished this killer paper, and am going to do a research related internship at snelafstuderen.nl 0.o

Yes, I get to do the internship there! I'm soooo looking forward to that:D So much to learn, so many inspiring people:) If only I could already be officially finished with the scription and start working there fulltime. Doing something with my knowledge that will actually be useful to a company, awesome! And finally finishing this seemingly neverending scription. I guess all is achievable if you really want it.

It reminds me of this song dad composed me, Knight of pentacles. It's actually based on this tarot card I pulled 3 days in a row when I was completely lost on what to do with my study. Yes, I believe in stuff like that. There are 78 tarot cards, and you canpull them regularly or upside down, which would mean there are 156 possible ways of pulling a card.. Consider the fact that I pulled the exact same one, in the exact same way for three days in a row, and you'd start believing in it too... Read the description of the card, listen to the song. It's my story:)

And now I'm really going to relax, I just had to get it off my mind:) I also realised today that almost a year has passed since my last end of the year looking back blog, but I'm too tired to write something about that now. So I'll save it for when I'm less tired and more inspired! Good night everyone, and merry Christmas!! I know I'll have a good one this year:)

*Roosbeef - De boerderij

Infatuation

2010-11-25T19:08:00.000+01:00

"It’s amazing how fast it can happen. Infatuation should be prescribed as a drug for the sullen or depressed. What a job that would be, to be the object of affection for the troubled. It’s one of the few feelings that instantly makes everything else in the world seem trivial. Love doesn’t even quite compare. There are so many degrees of love that sometimes it’s just there in the background like a jazz guitar player riffing standards in the back of your mind. Sometimes you notice him as he plucks out a tune you actually recognize, but the rest of the time he’s just kind of there."*

So, I was reading this book:) And when I was bored at work the morning after, my head just started wandering.. Infatuation, funny sounding word by the way. The story made me think of myself, how much brighter the world can seem the moment you fall in love. How quickly it can go, and how invincible it makes you feel. I can do practically anything when I'm in love!

But then I realised I've been feeling that way lately, without any infatuation. Which made me wonder what else could cause this feeling, and how it is that falling in love and whatever other factor it may be can make you feel this way. (Oh dang, judging by the jumps my head makes, I'm starting to turn into a researcher after all..)

About half an hour randomwriting in my diary later, I figured it out. (Yes, it's awesome to just write anything that comes to mind, I should do that more often, since it leads to interesting theories!) Anyway, the way I feel now is caused by the scription coaching place (snelafstuderen.nl) where I get the feeling that I'm valued, have potential, and am very welcome. Isn't that what also happens when you're in love? I think it both has to do with seeing yourself reflected in what others think of you, and that reflection makes you feel great about you! Wait, I just realised that's a psychological theory... The looking-glass self... *click*

As always, I've reinvented the wheel again, lol.. Such a psychologist I am! Though I don't know if the connection between infatuation and being in an environment where you feel valued has ever been made. Probably has, since there are many researchers out there. Still, it's a shame you base the way you feel about yourself on how others see you. The crazy infatuated awesomeness is always there, it's a shame that you need others as your looking-glass before you see it! But as long as we fail to always feel this way by looking at ourselves, it's a good thing there are others who act as that mirror, cause it's an amazing feeling:)

*David Bowick - How to Disappear Completely, Chapter 3

How stretching your ears can lead to spiritual enlightenment

2010-11-06T23:37:00.001+01:00

The title sounds very promising, I hope I can live up to that:O But let me explain: I've been stretching my ears for over a year now, and I'm finally at the size I aimed for, 8mm. Big enough to look nice, small enough to be able to cover up for formal occasions, and shrink back when I'm 80 and don't want big holes in my ears anymore:) For months I've been participating in this contest of an online piercing store, where they post a zoomed in pic of one of their products, and people have to guess what it is.. Yesterday, I just sat down, had some wine, when my "guess what": alarm went off.. As all other weeks, figured it couldn't hurt to spend 2 minutes to try to earn 25 euro, so I did.. For some reason (which turned out to be people having facebook issues:P muha!) it wasn't as crowded as usual, and I could actually take 2 other guesses before the right answer 0.o Anyway, back to the point! So I won, 25 euro,which meant finally being able to spend money on my final size plugs and hangers:D When I was looking what to get, I ran into Ahimsa hangers, which have a special meaning to them.

Yes Ahimsa, click it, it's interesting! This is pretty much the word I've been looking for the past years. I've always told everyone I'm not getting a tattoo until I'm absolutely sure there is something I'll never change my mind about, and this is it! (Not that I'm getting it tattooed now, but still.. If I would get one, this would be it.) Whenever people ask me what I believe in, I tell them I'm kind of a hippie, but this covers it completely! To do no harm, it's just like me! Even though I still have loads to practice on that (just imagine how hard it is to not even think harmful things..) But I've never understood why people try solving conflict through conflict, or are so mean to eachother.. This word is the baseline of all my principles! Reading the wiki made me realise I also shouldn't kill mosquito's (argh!) or think bad about stupid customers in my store, but at least I'm already at the do no physical harm level? Ok, except for the mosquito's:D I just find it a really comforting thought that I'll never have to use violence to resolve anything:) Or at least be aware of the fact that it's not necessary.. Call me naive, a hippy or a buddhist, but it's just a really nice feeling!

Sleep

2010-10-03T09:12:00.001+02:00

Lol, what 11.5 hour sleep can do for your dreamlife, that was a fun night! I flew, was at sea, saw a writer, and some pretty heavy explosions:D Guess the first dream was the one with the explosions, even though the second one was even more bizarre..

In the first dream, I found explosives in my house, and I just didn't want to go to sleep anymore, since they were pretty heavy explosives, and I was afraid theyd go off without a warning.. So me and a friend (some guy I'd never seen before) decided to get rid of them. I wanted to bury them somewhere safe, but he told me some people got blown up coz the bombs were so unstable.. So nice to know>< So I started digging, with the bombs right next to me, he told me I was doing great, until one of them started beeping and flashing a light....

He took it, and without hesitation threw it at a flat 0.o (few hundred metres away, I wonder where he got those throwingskills, lol) It was workspace or something, so it wouldn't be so bad if it blew up there.. (yes, very logical?) But when it got to the flat, it fell apart in hundreds of clusters, and they came at us! I remember him saying, oh god, they're heat sensitive! And we ran.. For some reason, he was running much faster than I was, I thought I'd never outrun the bomb, especially when the 2nd one (a blue one, I guess that had something to do with cold?) also went off, coz of the impact of the first, but in the end, I survived..

In the second dream I was at some festival at sea (with a huge festival park attached to it) with some friends, one of them seemed to be with me since we were sleeping in the same tent. I thought he had a girlfriend, but I guess not in that dream.. Until I saw them together and got really mad, he told me he always knew that at some point, he was going to get back with her, lol. I was so mad I ran off, and sat at the beach for a while. For some reason, nobody wanted to do that with me all festival, so I just sat there alone.

Then I flew up, for some reason, flying is very calming:) I was really high, took some steep dives, awesome! Then I realised I wasn't for sure where the festival place was anymore.. I aimed to land around the parking, for some reason I heard it was safe to land on a buslane, since there were hardly any busses. Somehow, I managed to land at a traintrack, there were several next to eachother. I guess I misunderstood, but there were trains coming! Oops>< So I jumped from track to track until I got off.

It turned out that I wasn't at the festival terrain at all, so I got on some bus, but had no idea where to get off.. We were driving through some big city, didn't even look like the festival place.. Figured the people in front of me would know, so I just followed them out. We ended up in some big mob of people, with a writer who started citing his work, and before I knew, everybody was singing along but I didnt know the lines and felt really stupid:S

Now what can we make of this? I'm feeling pretty much lost and out of control in both dreams. Only the flying part was great, but as soon as I got back to earth, trouble started again.. People are not who they seem to be, I get lost, am alone, dodge trains, and bombs come at me, ugh. I do survive it all though, so I guess that's a plus:P If only I felt less lost on the way? And then to think most of the time my dreams are a pretty good reflection of how my life is at the moment. I'm gonna have a better look at them later.. First, homework!

Random

2010-09-25T09:07:00.005+02:00

Just working on my scription (yes, the scription coaching is working wonders I guess 0.o) and I heard some random lyrics:

Failure is always the best way to learn
Retracing your steps till you know
Have no fear your wounds will heal

Kings of Convenience ~ Failure

That's me, trial and error:)

Yes, really!

2010-09-17T11:15:00.003+02:00

I'm going to finish my scription! Before christmas:D Got help from an external coach (snelafstuderen.nl), she's going to help me with structuring and planning the whole thing:) It was so nice to hear that she sees that I don't have motivation issues, but just a huge lack of concentration.. Turns out they have much experience with ppl with ADD, since they're usually very motivated, but just can't seem to finish. She told me that she doens't doubt that I will:)

So we made a plan on how to achieve that! Much contact, making a good structure, mini deadlines, and scription labs where I have to work on their location for half a day or a day:) I'm really happy that I found em, even though it's expensive (over 1000 euro, ouch), struggling for longer would probably cost even more. Every month I don't work loses me money, plus the money I have to pay for study.. Or worst case scenario, quitting study, thousands of euros debt. I don't even have that!

It's just a really great feeling to not be alone in this anymore and finally have coaching that fits me. No offense to my coach or scription supervisor, but they just cant give me this much attention. And that is exactly what I need. I even feel enthusiasm again, that's been a while:)

Persistence

2010-09-08T10:10:00.004+02:00

I wonder if its possible to have a studyrelated burnout.. I'm so tired lately, but the more I want to finish this scription, the more I seem to lock up. So I end up having no concentration, but feeling bad about not doing anything 24/7.. Which results in even less concentration.. Even my boss noticed there was something off about me, I'm just generally fuzzy and in a pretty bad mood most of the time, so it makes sense that she saw that..

I just really wonder how I'm ever going to finish this scription if I don't find a way to pick up the pace.. Sure, it'll be finished in 2020 at this speed, but I'd just like to go and get a nice job already, something I can feel good about again, instead of being stuck on a fcking useless scription for over a year now.. Just not really fulfilling, at all.

How much is the diploma worth, and is my freedom really worth all debt I built up while studying? Bet it's thousands of euros by now=\ Plus letting parents down, plus knowing I'm so close.. It's just really hard to go the last 100 meters to the finish if both your legs are broken.. Sure, in the end I could tell everyone I'm persistent, but is that really worth all the trouble? Maybe it's just plain stupidity for trying to get something I don't really value.. I know I'm persistent when I find things important, shouldn't that be enough? I'm only in it for the money, if it wasn't for that huge debt, I'd have quit a year ago.. And now it's even higher than a year ago.. One big bad vicious circle all over again.. And I just can't figure it out..

Recipe: Pre-holiday breakdown

2010-08-05T08:46:00.003+02:00

Yes, I thought only my mom could have them. Obviously it mustve lingered somewhere in the genes.. Add: too much working for the past days, no time to clean the house, resulting in a huge mess, one hyperactive cat, a suitcase that's way too small for your clothes (and that's only the clothes! I haven't gone any further coz I didn't know what to do and I just was too damn tired), and only 2 hours to fix all of this between work and getting on the train... Oh and, having to go to work in 20 minutes, finding out there's only some old bread for breakfast and not even yogurt. And when you're making the bread, cat jumps on the plate repeatedly, which results in me throwing him off and yelling at him.. Guess that made quite an impression since I never yell at my cat.. So now hes all quiet and just purring and climbing on my lap. He never does that:S I'm feeling like those typical moms you see in movies with too much going on and where they yell at their children, even though it's not their fault either:( And now I yelled at my cat and wont be seeing him for 2 weeks. 2 weeks! I guess I didn't really realise that before.. I don't mind leaving behind all my stuff and my house, but my cat is my baby:( And now I really have to go work.. He just jumped on the kitchen dresser again, so I guess he's already forgotten about all of it. I just wish I was a cat, wouldn't it be great to have such crappy memory?

Sziget&Lowlands here I come:D

2010-08-03T16:04:00.005+02:00

I just got myself a Lowlands ticket!!:D Or well, a friend did, and I bought it from him:P Took 6 people to buy one ticket.. Lastminute tickets and crappy websites.. Last time I missed, today too, but I'm very glad my friend got one for me:D:D So now, going to Sziget, 1 day to wash all my clothes, and then continuing to Lowlands.. And it's going to be awesome!! Maybe I should start packing my bags since this is the last free noon till I leave:P But I was so stressed about the ticket that I have a headache now, lol><

Yuki

2010-06-09T11:40:00.003+02:00

Ok, a really quick update coz I should be homeworking.. But I got Yuki since yesterday, and he's just absolutely adorable! And slightly crazy:P He's finally asleep now after 1.5 hours of playing.. Also, he found it necessary to start running around on my bed at 6.45am.. But I'm glad he was quiet the rest of the night:) Still, it's really hard to get anything done with a cat chasing you everywhere you go:P Gonna have a quick shot at some regression analyses while hes still asleep:D Oh and ofcourse,

Pics and Vids here!

Caturday

2010-05-22T20:21:00.004+02:00

Just the weirdest day today! Worked all day, got home at my parents house, asked how their day was.. They told me one of our cats died coz he was hit by a car.. So we talked about cats alot, and I realised I kinda miss having one around in Amsterdam.. So I started thinking about what itd cost, and wasn't sure if I could afford it if there would be unexpected veterinarian costs or whatnot.. So I asked my parents if they couldn't be my cat insurance for emergencies until I have enough income myself.. Mom just couldn't keep her mouth shut and told me that that was exactly what they had planned to give me for my birthday:O OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOH KITTY:O

So, checked internet for kittens around here, and found a reallyreally cute one very close to where my parents live. Called the owner, and she sounded so relieved that I wasn't some freak who wanted it just as snakefood.. (omg, do people really do that!) Anyway, talked alot, she was really happy I sounded so enthusiast and said that all she wanted was a good home for it, and that I could have it for free if I could make sure I take good care of it.. Ofcourse I will:O If there's anyone who's good for her cat, that'd be me:P The only problem was unexpected vet costs, but now they're covered, I'm very sure it'll be just great! Oh and, the pics I fell in love with:P It looks like its gonna terrorize the neighbourhood, with puppy eyes! *drool*

Crazy times

2010-05-07T12:35:00.002+02:00

Woaah! I'm so busy I hardly even see my computer:O Lots of working, traveling back and forth, concerts, and iduno what more.. I have no clue how I manage to fill my weeks so there's no relaxtime left:S Hope itll be less busy soon coz I don't like it! There's not even room for study, and I'm getting the feeling my supervisor is not gonna like it:S So much to take care of, plus my own minihousehold to run, which turns out to take up some time too:P

Anyway, for anyone expecting a housewarming: Obviously, you don't know me very well! I'm not the kind of person who just throws parties coz it's expected in these cases.. When id have a housewarming, I'd only be worrying about if all my guests were ok, being stressed out of my head (which I am far enough already without any parties), and ending up not having talked to over half of my guests.. I don't like that idea! So I've decided to just have people over anytime they want, so I actually get to catch up with everyone in person:) Quality>>>quantity! And for all people who really do want a party, just come by on my birthday (june 6th, omg, I'm turning a quarter century:O), and treat my b-day as a b-day/housewarming. Problem solved:D

And now, rushing back to work, part 2/3... 3x3 hours work on one day is a bit much.. At least I had the most relaxing night yesterday! She&him concert was aaawesome! Pretty much like this earlier post:) ooh and, MUSIC! Enjoy:D

First night home

2010-04-27T00:09:00.003+02:00

Well, officially the first night:) Already spent some nights at my new place last week, but this weekend we moved all my stuff here, so officially, this will be my first night sleeping here while actually living here! And I'm just really really happy:) And since I brought all of my stuff, except for my diary (jeez! how can I forget that!), may as well blog, before I forget about this first night!

Just got home from djembe class, just a tram- and busride away:) So much faster than it used to be! I could even go by cycle, but wouldn't be able to bring my own djembe then.. Time to get a better backpack:D I could finally get a beer afterwards without having to worry that I'd be home way too late, or actually, usually I couldn't have a beer if I brought my own djembe, coz I had to go by car then... But now I just jumped on the first bus I saw, sat for less than 10 minutes and walked another 5, repeatedly thinking, I'm going hoooome! Such happiness out of nowhere:)

Its just great to have all this freedom, especially travelwise:D I have the upside of a city, and the upside of a town! Nice quiet street, garden, decent sized place, but also very close to the center of Amsterdam! Wow I am pretty lucky:O Guess all the patience pays off afterall:) Yay me:D And now I can go sleep with a big smile on my face! I just decided that my bedroom will be a computer and other electric crap free zone, since I have a livingroom for that now:) Wonder if thats gonna help my sleeping rhythm:P Hmmmmm sleeeep...

Finally my own place!!

2010-03-29T11:46:00.005+02:00

SOGing, or freely translated to English, SABing.. Study Avoiding Behavior.. Been a while since I had it, but it's definitely back.. I just really need a break, and I haven't had a free day in way too long! Deadline coming up, work this noon, work in my new house tomorrow and wednesday (and probably thursday too..), and the deadline for my data analysis is thursday, and I'm supposed to have mailed things before then.. And I'm just sooo tired!

Should have my 1hour weekend again or something.. Cant afford to take more than that, but then, I've been slacking for hours already, but it just doesn't feel like weekend since my head keeps going over the 10000 things I could be doing right now.. So I'll just sit here and write for a bit, at least people who do read this will have something to read again, and who knows, it may give some space in my head:)

And! I haven't blogged anything about my new place yet! Been so busy I completely forgot.. Finally my own place! With backyard! Ok, it looked like a dump when I first got there, but it's slowly starting to improve:) Pff no wonder I'm tired.. Usually just a deadline is tiring already, but fixing my place and moving out soon may just be a bit stressful too.. And physically tiring! I'm in bed at 10 every night, voluntarily:O And my whole back is cramped up, but guess that'll get better in time.. But yay, my own place:D

Pics here!

Anyway, I'm going to give the statistics another shot before I have to disappoint my supervisor Thursday, and probably worse, look really stupid and disappoint myself.. I hate it when that happens:P

Natural selection

2010-03-06T08:39:00.002+01:00

Yesterday I was in the line at the apothecary, waiting to pick up antibiotics for my kidney infection. And I just wondered.. About 100 years ago, before Alexander Fleming found out about antibiotics, would people just die from an infection like mine? And all of a sudden I felt like someone who would probably be screened out by natural selection, but is being kept alive by whatever humankind invented.. Which I am of course grateful for, but it's the first time I have something that could end worse than just the flu, and that my body couldn't kick out by itself.. Or well, maybe it could, but wouldn't want to risk trying that:P And of course my head grabs this sudden insight as a new fun thing to brainstorm over! It's so boring to be mentally fully alive, but physically feeling like a 70 year old.. Thank Alexander for antibiotics!

I want

2010-02-24T10:17:00.002+01:00

A holiday, a beach, sun, a surfboard, having to do nothing, and less people being so damn critical about my research! Guess that's the risk of posting it online eh.. Ooh and, I want to travel, and a motorcycle, or maybe both:P And a place of my own, and getting into the trainer master this year, and finishing my research already.. And that I'd just know what to do with all my data without having to look it up.. And not having to write an article after the data analysis.. And summer! And lots of hugs.. And more hours a day.. Wow, that almost makes it sound like what I have isn't all that great.. It is, but I'm just too busy to enjoy it.. Shame really! Guess all I really want is just a completely free day.. Sunday maybe? Seems so far away with so much to do.. Maybe I should take an hour holiday today:) Starting now!

Research

2010-02-18T21:36:00.002+01:00

Ok, maybe I am a researcher.. Started posting the link to my questionnaire today, and found after my yoga class that I had 21 datasets already!! 21!! In one day! Aim is over 200, just to show my supervisor that it can be done, plus it is good for more reliable results:) Just had a quick look at the data so far, and now I'm happy:D Ooooh data analysis is gonna be so much fun:D Maybe I'm just not a scientific writer, but I'm definitely a researcher when it comes to working with numbers and testing stuff.. Getting happy over data, that's as geeky/crazy scientist as it can get.. Maybe I should hire someone to write it all down for me:P

The perfect teacup

2010-02-16T20:04:00.005+01:00

Finally, I found it! Been looking for something like this for like half a year now.. Wow, I can be so happy about little things like this:P Oh well, guess that's a good thing:) Now I can drink tea and warm my hands without burning them:D And it just looks cool! Probably even cooler with a cocktail in it or something, I'll try that out later:D

Rewiring

2010-02-10T10:38:00.006+01:00

Mmh.. Feel like blogging, but I just realised I only blog when my head is full of stuff.. And it's just empty now! That's not a great base for a blog:P Got this peace of mind, which makes me unable to write anything! At least no crazy 1000 thoughts per minute stuff.. Wow, have I finally achieved an empty head? 0.o Coach just told me I'm glowing, looking good in a happy way.. All I could do was say, yea, I'm happy:D

Research getting ready to roll, got the greatest guy in the world and I'm finally starting to believe I can really keep him.. And that I will continue and finish this research project.. Finally some trust again, it feels great! Maybe thats why I haven't blogged before.. So afraid to jinx whatever good I have going on.. No wait, I did write that before and it's still all good! But I'm enjoying it much more now I don't worry so much about where it can all go wrong.. No point in that anyway:) Wow I'm so at peace its kinda scary:P

My coach explained me the basics of cognitive therapy, about different thinking routes, and that people with a negative experience usually always react by the negative route.. At least that's the first thought that enters their mind on stuff that wouldn't need a negative response.. Funny thing is that he told me that after I told him I do that, and that I'm trying to change that pattern, coz I know it's good for nothing, and really bugging me.. I'm just my own psych!:D But seriously, he said that the negative link can get weaker, and the other one stronger, and that it takes awareness.. Lucky me I found that out by myself already, sounds like a good sign to me.. Good to know that's how it works, guess I'm not such a lost case afterall then:P I love myself when I think less! No wait, that's not it.. It's thinking less about pointless things:) Time to rewire:D

Planning

2010-02-04T09:29:00.002+01:00

Ok, if there's one word I'm allergic for, it's planning.. Didn't want to blog for days, coz I feel like anything I write would jinx the good thing I have going on.. Call me superstitious, just can't help it:P So now I decided to blog while having breakfast, so I will start my homework in time 0.o Oh god, I may be really sick>< But its kinda nice:D Me, homework, with this big smile on my face.. I'm almost ready to run the research! Yay me:D

Change

2010-01-28T15:52:00.008+01:00

Funny what a talk with your coach can do:) Was supposed to be 45min, ended up half an hour longer.. But it was more useful than all the ones we had before, and I guess he knew that too.. I thought he was gonna kick my ass coz I wasnt sticking to my study schedule, so I told him that.. And before I knew what happened, he switched the talk over to what I really find important, and what makes me happy.. God he's good! He always tricks me into stuff like that.. And I'm supposed to know better after my interview training:S Anyway, study is definitely not one of those things!

Me crying without knowing why, usually that's a sign I'm getting to the core of whatever bothers me.. In this case: Wanting to graduate so badly, but only seem to get further and further away.. World rushing by while it feels like I'm standing still.. Not really feeling alive. He asked me why I find it so important to get that diploma.. Except for financial reasons and the feeling that I let my supervisor (and myself) down for not keeping my promise, I really don't see the added value of it... Yea, it will look bad on my CV, but then, if people are so narrowminded to not ask further, I don't want to work for them anyway! So he said that maybe I should think about quitting or continuing.. Not the first time I've been there..

He told me that my head is overactive and that I should start using my feelings more, and just follow my heart.. Just thinking of quitting made me smile, all the things I could do.. Useful things! No more nitpicking over stupid science rules! It had been really dark and rainy while we were talking, but when I walked out the sky just turned blue and the sun was shining:) And my head felt a ton lighter! Not like it's a sudden decision, though it just feels really really irresponsible.. Weird how society shaped us so we feel guilty when we just want to follow our heart instead of the norms and expectations..

Then I got home and my parents just told me that they were wondering when I was gonna bring it up again.. And that I could better quit now than wait, coz then it will be even more expensive to quit.. Guess I just suck at making choices.. It's so easy to stick with something, even it's something you're not exactly happy with.. Easier than taking a leap into the unknown, with a chance that it may not get better afterall.. Guess that is all what's really been keeping me from changing.. Not only studywise but also in relations, jobs, and all the not traveling I've ever done..

Aren't we all just scared? But I'm already falling anyway, so whatever.. May as well do it right and have a shot at really following my heart this time, learning lots and no matter where I end up, be happy on the way.. At least I can say that I've tried:) And I guess being true to yourself is a very important first step.. I wonder how many people are stuck in doing what they (feel like they have to) do, instead of what they want to do.. Maybe that's why this song has always kinda hit me.. (yes, it is Dutch, sorry guys! It's about a guy who is really "succesful" in life, but still not happy, coz he never dared to do all the things he dreamt of, and wonders if this is it.. Kind of a tragic song.. probably coz I can relate to it so well.. Freely translated: "If the fire is extinguished, the wolves come.." I hope I will never reach that point! And I kinda feel like celebrating that.. Beer, anyone?

Oh and for the people who just found this song too depressing, know that there's a song that follows it! > http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=inzhCJ8hZW4

Ooh and btw, the answer to all those questions I've asked before? Where I am now is just not where my heart lies:)

Answers

2010-01-28T11:20:00.003+01:00

Sometimes I just wish I had the answer to everything.. Why don't I just do what I'm supposed to do and graduate already? Why do I want the impossible all the time? Why does my head keep getting in the way! Why is there war? Why are people so damn narrowminded? Why does it seem like I'm standing still when the world is just flying by at highspeed? Why can't I just do what truly makes me happy instead of having to get some stupid piece of paper first.. Let me go already!

Why can't I start, why can't I continue, why can't I finish.. Though.. I did start? I did continue? Does that mean I can finish? Ok, who's going to kick my ass all the way there? Me? Ok, I just laughed.. Buying a bigger ego and some selfcontrol please! Oh and a new head if possible:)

Yay djembe vids!

2010-01-23T21:24:00.002+01:00

Djembe!!

2010-01-23T18:31:00.000+01:00

Wow, just had my first Djembe performance ever and it was just awesome!The teacher even made us do an unexpected improvisation solo:S deadscary but actually went ok! Been a long time since i've just felt completely happy but this is it! Had so much fun:D I'll see if i can upload a vid later.. Happy happy:) My fingers are just itching to drum more! Really curious about the vid and mp3!

Wide awake

2010-01-21T02:09:00.000+01:00

So annoying! Middle of the night and i'm wide awake=/ tried to fall asleep for hours now but my head just doesn't wanna switch off yet:S sometimes i really wonder what kind of twisted chemistry is causing this... If i had alot of trouble on my mind it'd make some sense, but i don't! I'm just awake! God it's annoying>< I wish i had a way to just knock myself out! Why would i have trouble sleeping all of a sudden? It's just not making any sense! And breaking my head on that question probably isn't helping either.. Such a nice thing to know i'll be exhausted tomorrow for no good reason:S if only i knew what it was, i could do something about it! Argh.

Catching beauty

2010-01-18T12:27:00.008+01:00

Every monday morning I cycle to work, and see the sun come up. Foggy meadows, beautiful light, really peaceful.. And all I can think then is what a beautiful world this is, and grab my phone to try and catch it on a picture. It's like trying to catch a moon that looks huge, but when you picure it, it's ugly and small:( Makes me want to get up early and watch the sun come up every day, so I can have a daily chance of taking a better picture.. Until I realised that a picture will never be as good as the real thing.. So I just smiled and continued cycling:)

Thinking about it later, that reminded me of what my dad wrote in my poetry album (I think poetry albums are a Dutch thing.. Almost everyone had one as a kid, and let friends and family write a poem in it):

Het zijn de momenten

Ze duren maar even

En jij bent de enige die ze kan beleven

Ik wens je de gave om ze te ontdekken

(which doesnt translate too well, coz it stops rhyming, but at least youll get the meaning)

It's those moments

They only last short

And you're the only one who can experience them

I'm wishing you the gift to discover them

Anyway, I guess he did give me the gift:) I hope I'll never lose it.. And I'll make sure to take a mental picture of each great moment!

Freezing cold!

2010-01-09T07:43:00.002+01:00

-15 feel temp outside,and I have to be at work in 45min... Wonder who's going to town today for some shopping.. It's sooo cold! They even warned for hypothermia:O But I woke up singing, so who cares:) It's Banana Pancakes weather! Tomorrow I'm staying in bed as long as I want:D

Obligations

2010-01-07T15:44:00.001+01:00

So I guess this is it.. First day I'm working on my study project again, and I'm completely tired and want to break things.. And it's going just fine! But wow, I could just sleep right away.. It's like study drains my energy (+good mood), no matter how good or bad it goes, I just get so tired:( Whyyyyy! I'm'gonna sleep=\

2010

2010-01-07T08:24:00.002+01:00

Mmmh December has been so busy, I'm just happy it's January! Though all the working completely made me forget about my study, which my supervisor reminded me of yesterday:S Dammit, I was really going to start on that today and mail him! Ofcourse he's never gonna believe me when I say that, so I just won't this time..

Had the strangest thought at newyearseve, next year around this time, I'll most likely be in Sydney! Wow how awesome would that be:O Still sounds like a dream, but it's actually very possible! 2010 is going to be the year I graduate, finally travel on my own again, but this time for a longer time.. Hopefully finally go to Israel again too if my money/time allows it.. Sounds like such an awesome year! I wish it was summer already:O

But noooo, heaps of study waiting for me, and one worried supervisor.. Maybe next time I should just have the guts to tell him I'm too busy to care about study for a whole month:S But I kinda didn't realise that till I was in the middle of being really busy, and then the mail just kinda slipped my mind.. Oops.. Anyway, today I continue! With all the traveling ahead, I'm more motivated to really finish this in time:D

Wrapping up

2009-12-17T10:18:00.003+01:00

Almost end of the year, hearing the best of playing on the radio, and loads of Christmas songs.. After an almost panicattack few days ago, guess I can finally leave some things behind.. Turns out if you push things away they just backfire at you with double their strength.. But it felt like closure this time:) Just hope it won't have to get as far as complete panic next time.. Really need to learn to listen to myself more next year..

Next year.. Wonder what that's going to be like.. If anyone told me 2009 would be like this beforehand, I probably would've wanted to skip it! But looking back, it was all worth it:) Starting it with a relation, ending up single, but with alooot more selfknowledge and an ADD diagnose.. Finally the right label, even though I really hate labels, guess it was needed for the right treatment.. And now, here I am, got my motorlicense, finally going to finish off my study, even though I almost dropped out several times, but now I'm equipped with the right tools to finish it! My life is finally being about me again.. That's making it sound so egoistic, but it was really about time! Finding out what it is that I want, and living up to that, learning from the mess in 2009 and leaving it all behind:) So many important lessons!

Yesterday, finally finished my scarf after months of knitting now and then, and when I woke up this morning, it was all snowy outside! Guess I'm finally starting to have the wintery Christmassy end of year feeling I thought I forgot about:) Yesterday watched the last episode of Dexter (and omg, I did not see that coming!), another thing finished.. So guess I'll just continue this finishing spree for a while, see if I can get my project running before the holidays.

And just thought of what I thought of in bed yesterday.. (Thinking of what I thought.. pff, I really do still think too much:S) If I had a soundtrack to my life, what would it be? Wow, thatd be cool to have:O Woke up with Phoenix for 2 days in a row now, even though the lyrics sound a bit down, the song just makes me happy.. Guess coz I know things will be better soon enough:) >> Phoenix ~ If I ever feel better

Offdays

2009-12-10T09:50:00.003+01:00

I just realised accepting offdays exist and just having them instead of fighting them makes it so much easier! Tuesday I did so much on my research, yesterday I just couldn't set myself to it.. Usually I'd feel really guilty, but my supervisor told me theres no hard deadline, so I don't have to worry that much:) And I know I'm going to finish it! Yay for less pressure:D Let's see how today goes..

I'm like a rollercoaster

2009-12-01T15:53:00.002+01:00

Or maybe it was just the coffee I had.. Or a good supervisor.. One moment I want to quit my study, now I feel like I'm going to make the best project ever and that I actually have to add something to what has been done already. Anyway, since I wanted to quit my study last week and my supervisor told me that wasn't going to happen, he insisted on a meeting today.. He just didn't mention the literaturepart at all, and told me we're just going to continue and start up the research now, and that it will be ok. So he explained me how this site works to set up online questionnaires, and it looked fun:D I actually WANT to do that instead of feeling that I have to!

Also asked him if there was a definitive deadline, cause having that just completely stresses me out.. He told me he doesn't care as long as the project doesn't turn into a longterm neverending thing.. I don't want that either! But taking the pressure off like that helps alooot! Much more freedom, less feeling guilty, more motivation:) It's going to be great!! Now off to program my questionnaires (yay, geekstuff:D) and finding decent gaming forums to post it on and beg moderators to sticky it..

How awesome would it be if I end up with a shitload of subjects, will increase the reliability of my study bigtime! Plus, it'd just be cool to run your master research online (not many students do that), in english, and get a big sample on an international level.. My supervisor actually told me I'll have to translate all questions to dutch, I asked him why.. He said he thought I was going to use only dutch subjects.. Lol! The beauty of gaming research is that it's really easy to do internationally:) And I'm going to do it! Yay!

Coincidence?

2009-11-30T13:18:00.002+01:00

Really freaky.. This song of Franz Ferdinand just kept looping in my head during work, been singing it till I got home.. Even wondered why I never listen to them anymore lately. Thought of when I saw them at Pinkpop. Then after I got home, saw that the guy who keeps running rounds in my head listened to Franz Ferdinand while I had been singing it.. That's just scary! Too random to be just coincidence.. Or not? Guess we'll never find out how telepathic stuff like that works.. Not the first time it happens.. I just keep being surprised by it..

Studyhate

2009-11-25T21:37:00.005+01:00

Goooood I'm annoyed out of my mind!! Maybe I'm just not suited for doing research.. So much to read, and I just keep finding new essential details I overlooked.. Why so much literature! Why is it so logical in my head and can't I just write it down! Driving me fcking crazy:( Everytime I think I have a new lead, more problems pop up.. Setting myself a deadline, finding out after one day that I won't be able to make that in time again.... Feeling deadguilty coz now I'll have to tell again that I won't make it, more postponing, more delay.. Just a matter of time before my supervisor thinks I'm a huge slacker and tells me to get lost.. Way to waste another year!

Reminds me of lyrics of the red hot chili peppers.. "Some people do it by the book but I prefer to go by feel". Pity I'm not allowed to go by feel.. Even though my gut feeling is always right.. Fcking society! Stupid rules everywhere! If I don't finish this, no diploma, noone wants to hire someone with just a bachelors degree... What the hell am I studying for anyway? I don't want an intelligent job somewhere high without any human contact and only analyzing to do.. I want good work, human work, where I can go by feel and noone will ask me for an analysis of why I do something..

Oh and on top of that.. This noon I kept being surprised by the stupidity of softwaredesigners.. If only I could program, I'd have made it myself! Google makes so many great apps, google wave now, its decent, but nothing like what google should be.. Am I the only one who thinks it's about time for a standalone google application to run from your desktop, minimize to tray and get reminders for mail and calendar? Bit like outlook, but with more functions.. Integrate google docs, maps, picasa, blogger.. If there are so many people working in programming, why can't I find anything about that on google!

Yes, I hate the world today. There's so much wrong there I'm not even going to try writing it down.. Feel like breaking stuff again><

Studystudy

2009-11-25T10:21:00.002+01:00

So! I'm in Brussel with Brech, or well, shes at work, and only home after dinner.. So that means I have 2 full days to work on my scription! Finally found an APA manual (the bible on writing psychological articles), got some extra feedback from Brech, and a bit more grip on what I'm going to do next, so it's gonna be a productive day! If even she says I'm making it too hard for myself, maybe I am:P So hope I can make it a bit less complicated today.. Funny how my head can tie any easy information into such a knot.. Could lead to awesome research, but not great if you 'just' want to graduate:P

Truth

2009-11-23T22:09:00.008+01:00

Just saw "A walk to remember". Wonder why I didn't watch that before.. Made me cry and smile at the same time:) One quote from the movie lead to googling another.. Besides "Find out who you are and do it on purpose", I also found "If you want the rainbow, you've gotta put up with the rain". (Both quotes of Dolly Parton) Pretty much the same as no highs without lows, but it still made me smile:) And also, this bible quote in the movie just reminded me of how simple life really is:

"Love is always patient and kind; it is never jealous, love is never boastful or conceited; it is never rude or selfish; it does not take offense, and is not resentful. Love takes no pleasure in other people’s sins but delights in the truth; it is always ready to excuse, to trust, to hope, and to endure whatever comes. Love does not come to an end.”

Not that I'm religious, I just look for truth in everything.. Just comforting to know some things are what they are, and will always be like that. Even if you sometimes tend to forget if your head takes over:)

Latent variables

2009-11-20T11:27:00.003+01:00

Thinking about latent variables just made me think of my research again.. I think that's exactly what I'm looking for and why I was stuck! Mailed my supervisor and going to spend few days with Brech so she can kick my ass to work and give some intelligent feedback on my new wild plans:) If this works out as I think it will, it's gonna be hell when I get to the statistics part:P Regression, mediation, argh! Such a long way to go!

Causality

2009-11-19T18:12:00.004+01:00

I've been trying to figure out what's causing what, and how to solve this.. But everything seems to cause everything, so there must be a latent variable somewhere I didn't catch.. Really wonder what that is.. If anyone figured it out let me know!

Can someone wake me up

2009-11-17T10:55:00.002+01:00

I feel like I'm asleep all day.. Hibernating.. Despite of all the light therapy and whatnot, still lacking energy and postponing the hell out of everything.. If only I could just sleep, wake up, and everything would be just fine, sun shining, scription finished, or at least the energy to work on it.. Thatd be nice!

Restless

2009-11-12T16:08:00.002+01:00

I just feel like screaming all day, running around, breaking things.. So much stuck in my head and can't get it out.. Started 3 blogs, erased them, words ain't coming anyway.. Another day I couldve worked on my scription, but can't focus.. Feel like doing nothing.. At least put it to use by finally cleaning my room, but still.. Not what I was planning on! It's really a curse, caring too much.

Bummer

2009-11-11T00:47:00.007+01:00

Just got home from Kings of Convenience, was just awesome! they opened with a song I didn't know but with such beautiful lyrics.. And I just found a recording!

Kings of Convenience ~ Until You Understand

Anyway, was looking forward to listening to it, when I turned on my comp and found 2 replies to the hypotheses I handed in 2 days ago.. It's like a complete burn:( I have no clue what to do now, makes me just want to run away and quit my study.. seriously=\ There is just no point.. What a way to end a great night eh.. Fucking uni.

Fear

2009-11-09T16:13:00.005+01:00

You see fear is only holding us back
Look closely amongst all your peeps
There is usually one thing that keeps us off track
It is fear
It is fear
It is fear

Sia ~Fear

It just keeps looping in my head all day.. Thinking and thinking just about how much sense it makes.. How often are we just victims of our fear? What is so scary that it can take control of what we do or, most of the time, don't do.. I guess it's all about not living up to your self image, expectations, values, not being accepted, ending up alone.. Guess in the end we are just all looking for acceptance? Which made me think why that is so important to us.. Why do we need other people's approval to feel happy, why would your happiness not come from the inside, but always depend on external factors? Can you ever be truly happy then? And if you can just accept yourself and everything as it is, would that lead to happiness?

The solitude of prime numbers

2009-11-08T13:48:00.009+01:00

"Prime numbers are divisible only by 1 and by themselves. They stand in their place in the infinite series of natural numbers, squashed in between two others, like all other numbers, but a step further on than the rest. They are suspicious and solitary, which is why Mattia thought they were wonderful. Sometimes he thought that they had ended up in that sequence by mistake, that they’d been trapped like pearls strung on a necklace. At other times he suspected that they too would rather have been like all the others, just ordinary numbers, but for some reason they weren’t capable of it."

(Giordano, 2009)

Dreams

2009-11-03T10:03:00.002+01:00

I love em! I just woke up completely happy coz I had the nicest dream:) Usually they make sense too, at least to me:P Last nights one was on a festival with the ppl I love, and I was just totally happy coz it all was right! And then I woke up smiling:) Few nights ago dreamt about laying by a swimmingpool, jet plane came flying over and went through the sound barrier.. Sound didnt scare me at all, I was just sitting thinking, woah, cool, I just saw a sonicboom!

Planedreams are cool:) And always correct, so I learned to trust on those after a while.. Dreaming of rushing to airport, afraid of missing plane but just catching it in time, broken planes, planes taking off, almost crashing, but taking off again, and again.. After a bad period, dreaming you're in the cockpit of a plane, finally! After all that crashing and scariness.. And now, laying by a pool watching a sonicboom:P That can only be a good sign.. Weird how I'm only aware of so little in my head. Lucky I at least remember my dreams lately:)

And I'm feeling so much better than yesterday, I'm actually just going to work on the scription and I know I will this time 0.o Maybe it was the full moon yesterday, dunno.. But I'm feeling good!

I am not a researcher!

2009-11-02T14:49:00.003+01:00

I thought I was past the whole "I know I should study but I'm not and now I'm feeling really guilty" thing.. So here I am blogging again.. Somehow it always goes together with me on a deadline and slacking around.. And I was doing so well! But this feedback I got.. It completely makes sense, and I even kinda saw it coming, but now I have no clue how to tackle it.. Probably why I didn't tackle it in the first place..

Turns out basing your research on a gut feeling isn't enough for psychologyrules:( Intuitively, I'm sure there is a relation between the two concepts, but if you have to base that on the bit literature you have, it makes it so much harder... Should just make the whole thing explorative and get it over with>< Why would you want hypotheses anyway if you're just interested in testing something and see what the outcome is? Why would I want to predict stuff? I don't care about that! Damn experimental research! I don't need to be right, I just want to know><

All I have is my curiosity.. That just isn't enough to be a good researcher.. And I don't even want to be a researcher.. I just want my diploma already.. Damn obligations! When can I start doing the things I think are important! Stupid playing by the rules, nitpicking about words and punctuation marks, I'm so tired of it..

Dang

2009-10-29T11:37:00.002+01:00

I just completely proved my point yesterday=\ Think too much, trip over my own words, struggle so much I end up getting mad and saying exactly the opposite things of what I meant.. Which brings me back to the point that there are just no words to explain.. Why is it so damn hard to just trust on my feeling and ignore my stupid head?! Yay for insecurity and evil head filling in all the blanks.. I seriously should start reading that book again...

Even now head is still running like crazy, overanalysing, dragging me along.. I could use that energy way better to homework.. Fix my hypotheses, hand in a good research proposal.. I'm so close to succes and I know it.. And I AM going to make it this year! Time to kick myself to work again..

Think less, feel more

2009-10-28T15:35:00.002+01:00

That's what the stone guy told me today.. Since I took last one off and forgot to put it back on, I've been stoneless for like a week now.. I've never taken it off before! Took it off once and ofcourse forgot it:S Anyway, figured it wouldnt hurt to get a new one.. And I think this one fits me better than last one:) So, being less in my head, trusting more on my feelings, saying what's on my mind to the people it concerns.. (Ew hard one, I keep thinking that they just don't want to hear whatever I want to say coz it might sound crazy, and I'm just disturbing their daily routine=\)

Think less, feel more.. I just wish it was as easy as saying it.. Whenever my feeling says something is right, my head starts blabbering around.. If only that had an off button:P Just feeling should do.. Way more trustable than my head anyway..

Snowballing

2009-10-23T15:20:00.002+02:00

Omg:( Nothing wrong with something interesting, but the more I look into it, the more information I want to find on 1 subject, while I'm supposed to also pay attention to 2 other ones.. It's like this huge informationsnowball, and I just keep rolling and more and more snow sticks on, but it's getting so heavy and I'm tired of pushing.. But it's so nice and big and round, and taking a piece off would make a hole in it and thatd be ugly! I want to sleep.. Head overflowing:( Too little time too much to do..

Studystudy

2009-10-23T12:26:00.002+02:00

Been slacking way too much this week again, so today is my studyday! Installed a 2nd monitor so I can read articles while typing, makes it alot easier:) Took me so long to drag myself to start working, but I've been looking at it for about 20min now, and it grabbed my interest again! Yay!

For some reason it all seems to make much more sense than before, my head just jumps and makes links when I read articles, and it's starting to get some shape.. In my head at least.. Stuff usually makes alot of sense in my head, but when it comes to finding the right words, I just fail.. Anyway, deadline monday.. Work tomorrow and sunday.. Which basically means I only have today and sundaymorning to fix it.. Guess I should be really happy that I'm finally getting somewhere:P Or maybe I'm just really good at lastminutework.. Though last year I dropped out when it came to sorting out my hypotheses.. Yea that can't be it then..

Yay for selfknowledge and finally picking a subject that does interest me:) I'd love to just spoil it all, but since ppl who read this may participate in the research, can't do that.. Pity, coz its gonna be fun:D Oh well, can explain later.. Who knows I might upload it somewhere if it's finished.. Gonna be in english anyway.. Omg scary, me + scientific english:(

Not knowing

2009-10-18T14:46:00.003+02:00

Wow, I can just sit and stare at my screen and try to find the right words for hours.. There are no words.. I don't know, and it's just fine like this.. Maybe coz deep inside it just feels right.. And I forgot that it could be like this.. I just don't dare to believe it.. It's such a shame I got so cautious over the past years. But at least it helps me stay on earth just a little bit.. All I can say is that it feels right.. And for the first time it doesnt matter if it's slow.. Coz it's right anyway.. Terrifying, but great:)

Lamp

2009-10-16T08:44:00.002+02:00

I'm starting to like my lamp again:D Took some days, but getting used to it now! Even with a lack of sleep no real trouble waking up, and a whole 30min of having to do nothing, music and food.. It's like the relaxed sundaymorningfeeling, but then on a daily basis! Yay:D But seriously.. I still wonder why all interesting talks are almost NEVER on a decent (read: day) time (instead of when I should be in bed at least 2 hours already).. Guess I'm gonna snap into rythm soon enough if I just keep waking up early everyday:P

Testing...

2009-10-14T18:30:00.000+02:00

Let's see if this works.. Blog from my phone:D just in case i get really bored while traveling or something:) and yes, still slacking, tired as hell=/

Slacking bigtime=\

2009-10-14T12:45:00.003+02:00

Even though I was sooo enthousiast about my project yesterday, still been slacking all day+yesterday.. I just keep finding 1000 other things to do, well, the usual.. Me and literature is just not the best combination ever I think.. Mix that with a new phone that has internet and alot of things on there to figure out, yoga this moring, just having some tea after, then find out its 12.45 already and that you should be leaving in an hour already, and still need to shower.. For some reason tea took more hours than I expected:S Oh wait.. And wasn't I planning on sorting out my literature?

In 2 weeks, I have to have a first plan, built on literature, with hypotheses and all... And it WILL be awesome! Can hardly believe I'm actually going to do my master research on MMORPG addiction, just like I wanted! I should feel lucky and slack less! But the subject is so interesting I can't pick what to research, and boom, *freeze*.

Guess I really gotta get rid of my perfectionism this year and just hand in stuff that seems crap to me, but it's better than freezing up at least.. Coach did have a point there.. Knowing me, It'll still be ok:P

*half hour later*

Now even slacking around while blogging.. I'm just all over the place.. Funny how I asked my yoga teacher after the chakra meditation why I had weird feelings with some chackra's and I didn't with others.. She asked me if I'm a thinker and a busy/chaotic person.. Yep, energy is a weird thing:P If only I knew how to regulate it in a way..

Overload!

2009-10-09T12:21:00.004+02:00

Today is just not my day.. Went wrong at night already having my cat in bed, just refusing to leave... whenever i tried to throw her off, shed just come back within a few seconds, trying to lay down preferrably on my face or somewhere else on my head... found her like this when i woke up, aching all over coz i had been sleeping in all kinds of possible bends:

oh and for all catlovers, also check out this vid coz it really reminds me of my terrorcat..

anyway, parents coming back from a week holiday, for some reason the house is a huge mess, forgot to buy mom a bdaypresent, and theres nothing to eat for tonight.. which means, buy food, clean house, buy presents, oh yea, finish literaturesearch before the deadline i set myself, and all that before 5pm. why don't my days have 48 hours:( i can only delay handing in the literature to sunday, but i guess i wont be doing much then either.. no buying food and just eating pizza? saves me the cooking.. but still..

cycling home from work, thinking, wow i should do *insert 1000 things here*.. coming inside with alot of mail, throw it on the table, walk to kitchen thinking you should eat.. take something out of the fridge, see eggs, think, oh yea, i should check on the chickens.. walk to backyard, bit nauseous from not eating for a while, open the chicken shed, find a mess with alot of shit and eggs.. decide taking out eggs first, egg breaks. crap. even a bigger mess now. walk back to kitchen, wash hands, put other eggs away, think, oh yea, i should throw away the kitchen and garden waste.. (also thought that 3 days ago already but hardly been home..) find out theres somekidna fungus growing in there, so threw in hot water and cleaner and left it in the kitchen to soak for a while.. then went back to the chicken shed, when i stood there, figured it was too much of a mess to just take out.. so walked away again to get something to just scoop it all out with, and a garbage bag to throw it in.. oh wait, walk back, open garage, get out some hay and stuff to put back in the chicken shed when i take out the rest.. so cleaned that out, threw away, back inside, washed hands for the 10th time in half an hour, walked to the table thinking i should sort the mail.. then saw the door and realised the garage was still open, and that i should close that first.. so i did.. then went back to kitchen, found mail on the way and sorted that out, and finally made some food.. then just rushed to laptop coz my head got so stormy it was driving me nuts and i had to write something.. which reminds me of this vid...

and now it's almost 1pm already, and i still have to get my stuff done><

Geekstuff

2009-10-04T01:56:00.004+02:00

Took me a while but worked it out! Turns out hotmail just fails, coz it's so much effort to load that into any mailprogram (IF it's loadable.. At least no imap support in any way). Except for windows live ofcourse, which I'm boycotting from now on.. So loading my hotmail into my gmail (hotmail wont forward mails to gmail.. Another reason to boycot.. Lucky gmail can draw them from hotmail..), setting gmail into thunderbird, throwing google calendar with 2way sync in there too, and there we go, finally my working home office thingie:)

Now I'm just wondering why I would keep using hotmail for regular mail, mainly coz I'm too lazy to go through lots of delivery failures when I mail everyone about my new address.. I'll see about that tomorrow.. For now it's forwarded to gmail anyway so at least I wont miss out on any mail.. Wow I'm such a geek:P But I did it:D Seriously, how do nongeeks set up stuff like this? Now I read it back it sounds like a difficult construction lol.. Still think there must be an easier way.. Still curious what it is, so if anyone can tell, please do.. Anyway really tired now!

Anyone?!

2009-10-02T15:24:00.002+02:00

God I'm annoyed! How hard can it be to get a small program that can sync 2 way with your google calendar, and pops up reminders whenever you have to do something? Don't tell me outlook coz its just horrible.. I hate this:( You can find about EVERYTHING on internet, except for what I'm really looking for.. Seriously, how hard can it be!

*throws laptop out of window*

Early mornings

2009-10-02T08:35:00.003+02:00

Yep, from now on, I'll be spending half an hour each morning at my laptop.. Decided to start using my dailightlamp in time this year, and god, it's so hard to get out of bed early! (which just proves that I should start now:P) Guess it'll take some getting used to again, but if I think of how I've been feeling the past winters, I'd love to get up just a bit earlier to beat that. No more me vs SAD, I'm gonna keep it far away this winter:)

Brainstorm..

2009-09-29T21:41:00.002+02:00

..literally! It feels great, gives lots of energy but is exhausting at the same time.. If only it had an off button:S Though I'm so tired now my head is finally kind of at peace:) So less thinking, more sleeping.. I'd try explaining more but I know I'd just end up starting the storm again and writing so much it would be unreadable.. And that would just be a fragment of it all:P Work tomorrow, lunch with my cousin I haven't seen in years, great! Handing in literature next week and been slacking today, so guess that's gonna be extra searching on thursday then.. But nothing I can think of to worry about now, feeling just fine:) Bed!

House!

2009-09-23T20:42:00.002+02:00

Yay! It's back! Now I know why I intuitively bought Ben&Jerrys when I was at the gas station:P Been happy all day already, had about 1000 different songs in my head and been singing all day, and now, FINALLY watching House, been waiting for the new season for months:D Just perfect:)

Lazy day

2009-09-14T14:37:00.002+02:00

Or well, tired day.. Turns out I don't function too well with a lack of sleep... So I put a shutdown timer on my laptop that runs invisible (to keep me from turning it off). Yes, very childish, but I just forget about the time and before I know it's after midnight again.. So from now on, laptop does a force shutdown at 10.30pm.. So if you see me vanish from msn without warning, don't take it personal! That's just me forgetting the time:P

Another peaceful sunday

2009-09-13T11:28:00.003+02:00

Sundaymorning, half a liter water, bread and fried eggs, kings of convenience and my laptop.. For the first time in a while feel like blogging again:)

Was my bro's bday yesterday, he turned 20! Which just reminds me I'm always 4 years older:P Wow I'm almost a quarter century:O

*2 hours later and some tea further*

Parents just got home, bye peace:P But it's quiet again now so guess I'll continue:) Went out for the first time in few months yesterday, but before that we first went to see my bro's friends new motorcycle.. A Honda Magna, and he let me ride on it! That was actually my first legal ride without instructor after my exam:P Was surprised I didnt forget about everything, guess it's pretty much like cycling, you just don't forget how to do it after you learned it:) I almost forgot how great it feels!! And now I want my own motorcycle=\ CANT PICK! save/travel/motorcycle/move out... Argh!

Anyway, after that, went out.. Usually when I'm in a bar, I either drink too much, have a great night but feel horrible the day after. Or I just have 2-3 beers or nothing, see others get drunk and I get really tired and annoyed after a few hours.. Was just fine yesterday! Since I worked all day, figured alcohol wouldn't be a smart pick, so I went by car to make sure I wouldn't be lured into drinking:) It just kinda feels like poison lately.. Was fun, met nice people, had lots of icetea:P And the drunk people didn't bother me, awesome! It's nice to know you're just as social without all the alcohol:) And no hangover, and going home by car!

And when we went outside around 3, saw 2 policecars, lots of people and policemen standing everywhere.. Obviously, fights again.. I just don't get it! Coming out of the peaceful bubble of a nice bar, and most of the time there's just fighting going on in other bars or outside.. No wonder I don't go out much.. Such a wrong vibe, made me want to leave right away=\ Though this bar is just fine.. Even though most people drink lots, they don't fight, they just break some glass, but nothing bad:P And if you don't drink, it's fine too:)

Oh btw, started yoga this week, It's a slow learning process I think, but a good one:) And signed up for djembe class, starting next week I think! Nice nice! Mmmh and what to do today.. May just make a start on my literature search.. Scary how I do studystuff on sunday, but my week schedule is weird anyway:P I'd skate but it's rainy outside.. I just love sundays! So much time on my hands:)

Never any class again!

2009-08-28T21:50:00.003+02:00

OMG! I passed my re-exam!!! Totally unexpected!! I'm sooooooooooooo happy!:D This means I'll NEVER have any class again, EVER! Woah! Suddenly seems like the end of my study is so close! Just the scription and the internship, I can do that:D Happyhappyhappy:D

Single again...

2009-08-25T18:06:00.003+02:00

Mm I believe I've used this title before.. Anyway, this is what you get for taking 1 month of space for yourself to think things over after almost 2 years of relationmess. Such a reward for being vulnerable and wanting to try again.. Bf casually telling me half an hour into the conversation that he doesnt see a future anymore, and that he knew that 3 days into the month break.. Jeez.. Couldve told me that half an hour (or 27 days?) earlier then? He still wants to be friends.. Right.. But he didnt understand why I reacted so pissy.. Isnt it kinda obvious, if I just told him I want to give it another try, and he just doesnt respond to that, and half an hour later tells me he doesnt see a future? Then says my mean remarks are below the waist.. I think not mentioning something like that at the start of a casual conversation is way lower..

Anyway, at least thats the last time he got to piss me off.. No more trouble, no more worries.. Just a big hole of nothingness to fall into and alot of space to finally start worrying about me again.. Pretty much like I've been doing for the past month, but now for real. I hope he gets happy and finds a girl that can handle him, even though I still highly doubt that.. I know Ill be fine, since I always end up being fine again, but quite worried about his future relation life.. Oh well, its not in my hands anymore..

It's just really annoying to realise that you wasted another 2 years of your life, trying to make a relation work, and not progressing in life at all.. Best thing I got from this relation is more self knowledge and an ADD diagnosis.. Life is in my hands again, and gotta worry about me and me only.. Nice and peaceful, lonely, and deadscary.. But lots of opportunities.. Now to find a way to make that work.. So many opportunities I have no clue what to do with em or which one to pick.. Im feeling frozen again.. Lucky theres pills and a coach to help me figure out this kinda crap for the first time in my life.. So thats a good thing:)

The space between

2009-08-23T21:54:00.002+02:00

Just posted the first vid of this song I could embed from youtube, so dont mind the clip (even though princess mononoke is cute:P) Beautiful song..

Peace of mind

2009-08-17T21:12:00.009+02:00

I've been reading the most interesting book ever! It stops my head from racing, awesome.. Cant put it to words.. It's like the "natural high" I talked about in the earlier train blog.. Not even halfway the book yet and already amazed.. It just completely makes sense!

The book is called "The Power of Now: A Guide to Spiritual Enlightenment", by Eckhart Tolle (or in dutch: "De kracht van het NU: Gids voor spirituele verlichting"). Yes, it might sound really vague and abstract, guess alot of people would just run away screaming at the words "spiritual enlightenment".. Anyway, just thought itd be nice to share with whoever is interested:)

Oh and here the site with some info about the book.. He can explain it 10000 times better than I can:)

http://eckharttolle.com/the_power_of_now

The stone

2009-08-16T14:47:00.003+02:00

Wasnt sure if I should blog about this since people might find me superstitious and weird, but again, why would I care?:P Call it coincidence or fate, I'm not sure yet either.. Anyway, read and think whatever you want:) Quickly translated from what I wrote down:

(july 28 2009)
mmm the weirdest thing happened to me today.. went to town, had to go to this "alternative" store to buy a gemstone hanger for this womans birthday.. got to the shop, told the woman at the counter what i wanted, and she told me to write down the name/birthdate of the woman. so she dragged out several trays crammed with gemstones, took her pendulum and started swinging it over the stones.. anyway, while doing that, she told alot about the woman i was buying it for, and quite detailled stuff you couldnt just randomly guess.. that got me kinda curious since it didnt think it would be so detailed.. thought it mightve just been lucky guesses afterall, so i wondered what she had to say about me..

so, same thing, except for the fact that she held my hand, so she didnt need my name/birthdate.. it was kinda like i got sucked into the moment, she told me so many true things, actually, it all was scarily true what she said:
you are wayy too busy in your head, you think too much
try not to want to do everything at the same time, try not giving that extra bit everytime
you're a very strong person, but you should be a bit softer
you have to speak out what bothers you, but dont take other peoples emotions into account while doing that, say it the way you want to say it. (and she told she got a really nasty feeling in her throat while she said that)
she felt i have some connection with the sea, which is true.. aside from the surfing, sea is one of the few places i feel really peaceful:)
i bet you just mean to help, but don't try to solve everyones problems, they have to figure it out themselves.. (argh! she just completely hit the spot there><)
be less harsh/more loving to yourself (and again, hit..)

my head felt completely empty after it, so this was all i remembered when i got home.. anyway, out of the 4 trays with stones (at leasdt 16 kinds per tray), there were 2 kinds (larimar/lapis lazuli) that had an equal effect strength.. so she made me pick.. I HATE PICKING! she told me to keep my hand over the stones, and that id feel which one was right.. weird untouchable spiritual stuff, but could at least give it a try.. no weird feeling in my hand or anything, i liked the looks of lapiz lazuli better, but intuitively chose for larimar (which turns out to be quite a rare stone, funny i picked that one, was even more surprised when i googled the effects later..)

then she threw all the larimar on the desk and told me to pick 1 stone.. jeez! first tried to pick the one that looked nicest, but no way thats working with so many stones.. so again, she told me to use my hand.. which was weiiird! while i moved my hand over the stones, at a point i felt the center of my hand pounding.. she told me that was good (0.o freaky) and we kept removing stones till the one was left that made my hand pound.. tried to hold my hand over the rest, but no effect there.. so, she picked up the stone, turned out to be the only one that was missing the little ring to hang it on the necklace with.. lol thats just typically me to pick one like that:P anyway, she fixed the ring, and told me to clean it in salt water when i got home, and then put it on and dont take it off till the stone is done working. when i asked how i would know (went back to the store to ask that few days ago), they told me i would know when it was done: stone gets less shiney, disappears completely without the necklace breaking, stone breaks, anything..

so, i've been wearing it since that day.. the next day, went on a month break with frank coz i just didnt know what to do anymore and needed more space to think things over and get back to myself.. been thinking and doubting lots for the past weeks, and yesterday came to a conclusion (ill save you another long story there:P).. and this morning when i woke up and looked in the mirror, i saw the stone was missing.. found it in bed.. could either be a case of bad glue, dumb coincidence, or really the right decision.. its been the first important thing i decided since taking the break and the stone just falls off.. after only 3 weeks or so:O and not like it's somekinda commercial trick, coz the woman i bought the other one for had hers for years before it fell off.. and besides, theyre not expensive at all.. so strangggge!

ill just keep floating on my wave of intuition like i always do, it was just kinda lost, but i found it again:D feels great! believe whatever you want, i can't explain any of this, and duno if i should believe in it, but i wonder what shell say when i come to get the next one this week.. and crappp i really gotta go walk dog now.. was gonna put some capitals in (and take out weird errors im gonna find out about when i read it back later), but no more time.. so youll just have to read it like this:P

Trains

2009-08-13T17:09:00.006+02:00

Was just randomly reading back diary when I found this, thought itd be nice to post:)

On my way to Brussels! Traveling by train, I just love it! It just makes me so happy, the not being able to do anything useful while you travel between 2 points. It's like being in a vacuum without any activities or obligations, the bubble I want to be in when im at home sometimes, but there I just cant escape from all daily crap.. Weird how I can get all emopoetic just from sitting in a train for a few hours.. Even looking out of the window makes me happy, the landscape, the people I see.. Almost like a natural high:O

Maybe it is coz noone knows me here, so I can be anyone I want.. At least in the eyes of all people who have never seen me before:) And that just gives such a feeling of freedom! And wow, there are like 10000 other possibilities and life really isnt so bad afterall! My mind still keeps racing, but it all seems so much easier now. I'm a positive vibe, the further from home, the better I feel.. Maybe I should travel more?

Weird thing is, Id love to stay here forever, in my vacuum. As soon as I arrive, it's gonna be all about daily crap and problems again, and I feel its really nice to not have to think about that for just a bit, and to just relax and enjoy myself:)

Yep, maybe I should travel more.. Though I wonder if thatd be a flight from all my problems, or just really a good experience.. Who knows, it might be both:) At least ill get to know myself better!

Adjusting

2009-08-10T17:57:00.003+02:00

Found myself posting this somewhere and just read it again and realised how true it is:

Since I found out about ADD, I decided to adjust my world to me, instead of adjusting myself to the world. And that feels so much better:) Weird I never thought of that before:O I guess you can get so stuck on the idea that you "must" do alot of things, and you want to live up to all expectations (you think) everyone has of you, that you just forget about what really makes you happy.. I'm slowly finding myself back now:)

The game

2009-08-06T23:53:00.008+02:00

I realised this noon that life is so fake.. Its like one big game to everyone.. All about money and power and yourself, hardly about others.. Finding a job>one big game, fighting for your own spot, showing whos best.. Even getting a diploma>play by the rules of uni.. Its weird you have to be tough and mean in this world to get somewhere.. Modesty isnt really appreciated.. You just wont get noticed if you're smart but never say anything.. I personally find it stupid if people just have a big mouth but have no clue what they talk about.. And still those people are the ones that get furthest in society.. Strange..

And even though not everyone is suited for all this fakeness, everyone must participate. Coz no participation=hardly any money, and arent we all raised to study hard and become rich....? I just want to do something where my heart lies, something human.. And i doubt human work pays well=\ Coz that doesnt earn any company any money.... Maybe its just my weird view on things, but is just working and playing this game really gonna make me happy? I keep thinking about that lately..

And besides the whole working game.. How about the social part? People ask how you are, the preferred response is: "Oh im fine, you?", and the other person will say hes fine too.. This to avoid any awkward conversations or showing that youre just a vulnerable human being.. Coz wow, that would be dangerous:O Way safer to talk about superficial stuff, pretending everything is fine, and smoothly continue playing the game without being bothered by any emotions.. Omg we're turning into somekinda robot breed=\

I keep wondering why people all voluntarily participate in this game, put their mask on and play by the rules.. Would they think they dont have a choice? Or dont they even realise its all fake? Or maybe they just dont care, iduno.. Id just like to see more real people and less fake everything in the world.. Wonder whatd happen when everyone would take their masks off and just cut the crap.. Be honest and open for a change.. Speak out what bothers you, show who you really are..

I know I would.

My speech on ADD

2009-07-16T13:02:00.007+02:00

Just found out my blog has been kinda dead lately.. Been busy with other stuff, got diagnosed with ADD about a month ago and now trying out ritalin.. Hopefully itll be all tuned and working as it should by september so i can finally finish my research/scription and graduate! And since i figured most ppl dont get anything about ADD or don't wanna hear about it i kinda stayed away from blogging for a while.. And now i think of it, why would that stop me from writing? The ppl who don't want to read can just stop reading:D And i just like writing now and then, so here, with a little note to everyone:

[start of speech]

Over the past halfyear when i started reading about ADD and talked to other people about it, I heard alot of times that :

im just lazy and need an excuse for it (no, i am not)

that add is just somekinda hype that nonlazy ppl made up for lazy ppl (no, it is not. though i must say that society is becoming more and more planned and under pressure, and thats something ppl with add have trouble dealing with, so thats why you see it more and more lately.. when i'm on holiday i dont have any trouble, as long as it doesnt requiere any planning or concentrating..)

that maybe im just too stupid to do university (acutally, i think my iq is higher than alot of ppl, the problem is i just cant focus..)

that add doesnt exist and that it's just personality (i struggled alot with that one, and guess you can never define a clear line between those two, but fact is that add has something to do with neurotransmitters not working the way they should, and ofcourse that makes you into who you are)

that i'm just a whiner (am not.. but being over 2 years behind on study and still living at home with parents is just a bit alarming, especially if you want to but just cant pull it all off..)

that i should get over myself and just do things instead of trying to give this crap a name (yea i tried that for the past 24 years and look where it got me.. imo, its better to learn about yourself and learn to work with it than pretend it's not there)

that i should just do something already if i know im postponing (jeez.. do you really think i havent tried that? if i knew why i couldnt just do something when i should, i would just do it indeed, but i have no clue why it always goes like this.. turns out it has a name and that there are ways to work with it.. wouldnt that make anyone happy?)

that if i know this well that it's add, why i dont do something about it myself (that one was before i got diagnosed.. if i could have done something, i would have.. dooh. why would someone go through half a year of psych and waiting and feeling crap and not studying if you could just solve it all yourself.....)

*insert any other negative comment*

And im really really sick of that. If you don't understand, fine (even kinda logical), but at least try to, instead of making lame comments.. Ask away and ill be happy to explain anything.. I just dont feel like defending myself all the time.. (I just did it for the last time up there, and from now on, ill link anyone who makes lame comments to this blog.. The people who know me know im not a whiner and am serious about what i do, so also this..

I'm still just me, the only reason i needed for it to be named "ADD" is coz im not functioning the way i want to.. To get pills and maybe some coaching so ill stop postponing everything i do, have a constant lack of concentration, lack of sleep, being really forgetful and having annoying moodswings all the time.. Would be nice to just start AND finish something and stop feeling guilty for all the times i screw something up again.. Feeling stuck in life for no clear reason, seeing friends slip away without knowing why, being mean to the people you love and not finishing study while you know you are not stupid at all.. All i want is just a little understanding:)

And for the people who are still reading this by here, some info. There are several names for ADD: some call it ADHD-inattentive type, some call it ADD, it might as well be ADHD, but the hyper is just in my head.. Within a few years, there will be a new manual for psychs (the DSM V) with a whole new definition and list of symptoms in it, since the "old" (=current) one is kinda oldfashioned and made mainly for children.. When they wrote the last manual, people knew hardly anything about ADD in adults, so that kinda sux. I'm glad im not 10 year older:)

And some links:
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Adult_attention_deficit_hyperactivity_disorder (english)
http://www.helpguide.org/mental/adhd_add_adult_symptoms.htm (english)
http://www.levente.nl, (dutch, it's not about ADHD, but only about ADD, exactly the way i experience it, and how i found out about the existence)
http://www.hersenstorm.com (dutch, it's about ADHD, but still has alot of info on it:)

It's really hard to find decent english ones, coz most of them focus on the hyperactive kind, but guess imperfect links are better than none at all.. If you are dutch, skip the english ones and just read the dutch ones (especially levente) coz its way clearer:)

[/end of speech]

Thanks for reading! (if you made it all the way here:P)

Probably forgot to tell alot of stuff, but the speech is long enough already so itll have to do like this:) Oh and: i got my motorlicense!:D And going to Rome next week! Woohoo:D

Since I don't feel like writing..

2009-05-18T21:38:00.003+02:00

And I wonder where these dreams go

When the world gets in your way

What's the point in all this screaming?

No one's listening anyway

Goo Goo Dolls ~ Acoustic#3

Help

2009-04-18T23:10:00.002+02:00

And now my life has changed in oh so many ways,

My independence seems to vanish in the haze.

But every now and then I feel so insecure,

I know that I just need you like, I've never done before.

Help me if you can, I'm feeling down

And I do appreciate you being 'round.

Help me get my feet back on the ground,

Won't you please, please help me?

The Beatles ~Help!

Waiting..

2009-04-12T17:46:00.003+02:00

Oops just saw i havent blogged in a while.. Just had my last 2 exams (of my whole study!) last week, hope i at least passed one, so i can do the other one again in august:) Been to the psych last thursday, 3 hour of looots of questions, but at least i had the feeling they were actually listening and doing something:) Now 2 weeks of waiting for whatever diagnosis theyre gonna pull out of it... I hate waiting><><>< Especially for important stuff like this.. People keep asking me why i find a diagnosis sooo important, but it's just so awesome to finally have something that explains all the crap going on, and it would be so nice if a pro recognised i'm right so i can get treatment for it:) Finally a way to handle myself! So, 2 more weeks...

Thank god theres coffee

2009-03-26T08:51:00.003+01:00

For any case im too tired and my mind keeps wandering off.. Call it caffein or a placebo effect, but usually its just the little bit i needed:) Gotta prepare a presentation now and im slacking again>< Did pass my motor theory yesterday!! With the max allowed errors, but who cares:P I know the rules... Just cant focus for 45min on 50 questions>< Its so damn slow! Anyway, all thats left now is the actual riding! Funnnn! Let the spring begin:D

Yay:D

2009-03-18T17:28:00.002+01:00

passed the vehicle control exam!! i started it with under 0 selfesteem coz the practising before it just went horrible:S i couldnt get 1 half turn or figure 8 right, like i just forgot about everything i learnt.. so instructor took me on the back of my motorcycle and made me feel how it should be done again.. then there was no time left to practise, so went to the exam place.. had to wait 10min for someone else to finish, then got started..

walking/parking went fine, then the slow slalom.. ruined my first one (argh!), but i talked myself through the second one, focused really well, and passed it:D really needed that since i wasnt counting on passing the 8 or the half turn (the other ones in the cluster). right after that, figure 8.. that just sounded like my deathsentence (coz at that time i wasnt sure if i did pass the 2nd slalom).. focused reallly well again, thought of all the things my instructor said before the exam, and nailed it:) went just fine:) then dodge exercise, 2 break exercises and the one where you accelerate to 50 as fast as possible, break, shift 1 gear down, put gas on again and slalom some pylons.. didnt go awesome, but good enough:)

so i passed with all exercises ok! finally we can start riding with the weather getting better:D still hard to believe ill never have to be on that parkinglot again:)

Goosebumps

2009-03-15T00:11:00.005+01:00

check the lyrics with it.. that just almost made me cry:S

ARGH!

2009-03-12T16:12:00.002+01:00

im so tired of myself!! forgot my agenda once and ofcourse, made a double appointment right away.. now i have to move one of my studygroup meetings to another day, problem is that we didnt exchange phonenumbers or mail with half of the 2nd group, so im in trouble>< if i cant move the first groups meeting im just fucked.. how can i be so fucking stupid! im so tired of my messed up head><><>< i wish i could just remember something for once>< aaaah!

Random lyrics

2009-03-08T23:22:00.002+01:00

Oh yeah, I'm fine,

Everything's just wonderful,

I'm having the time of my life.

Lily Allen ~ Everything's Just Wonderful

My fingertips are holding onto

the cracks in our foundations,

and I know that I should let go,

but I can't.

And everytime we fight I know its not right,

everytime that your upset and I smile

I know I should forget, but I can't.

Kate Nash ~ Foundations

I wanna live life

and never be cruel

and I wanna live life

and be good to you

and I wanna fly

and never come down

and live my life

and have friends around

we never change, do we?

no, no

we never learn, do we?

Coldplay ~ We Never Change

And the hardest part

Was letting go not taking part

You really broke my heart

Coldplay ~ The Hardest Part

Reading

2009-03-04T14:23:00.003+01:00

gotta read a bunch of articles for tomorrows class.. and ofcourse im looking for anything that can distract me again>< though im happy i already read 1 and a bit out of 3:) its just reviews, alot of info, with alot of references in between, making it kinda unreadable>< i wish there was just a function in acrobat reader where you can turn off all references and shrink the article by a few pages and make it more readable... guess thats never gonna happen=/

So tired:(

2009-03-03T08:37:00.002+01:00

Every morning i wake up, im just sooo tired.. Feeling like i could sleep all day.. I almost cancelled my work this morning, but to do that, i had to walk downstairs to find the phonenumber, and i know i wouldnt be able to get back to sleep after i went out of bed.. So here i am deadtired, going to work soon.. Why is it such a struggle everyday:( Maybe i should ask the doc for melatonin so i can just sleep early.. I heard alot of ppl do great on that, and its way more harmless than my scary addicting sleepingpills..

Great exam

2009-02-25T12:41:00.003+01:00

Pity i didnt pass.. lol>< But really, it was a good exam! Except for the slow exercises, and you have to pass one of em, i passed none>< So, short explanation of how it went: Nice ride to Alkmaar, bit rainy but ok, paused somewhere to do a bit of warming up, was fun:) Then got at the exam place, practised some more on the parking lot, went inside, talked to the examiner, and then started..

First was the slow slalom.. My most hated exercise, and im not very good at it.. So first try, it went pretty ok, but went too slow so lost control and had to drive out of it at the before last pylon.. So i could try it again (youre allowed a retry on every part, you do 7 exercises total, divided in 4 clusters.. 1 from cluster 1, 2 from cluster 2/3/4, and you're allowed to fail 2, if theyre not in the same cluster).. 2nd try i managed to go so slow i made my motor fall:S NEVER happened to me before!! Felt sooo stupid, but had to keep going.. Lucky it didnt damage anything:)

Next was walking with and parking the motorcycle, still all shaky from the slalom accident, but it went fine:)

After that, fast slalom!! My fav exercise and it went sooo easy!! Examiner told he hardly saw slaloms as good as that:D

Then started with the break exercises, first the precision break (stopping exactly at a pylon), went fine, then the emergency break, went fine too:)

After the breaking, had to do the dodge exercise, another of my favourites:) Mainly, you drive at 50km/h and at a marked point, close your gas, and "swoop" around an "obstacle"(=pylons). Its so fun to do! Even heard my footthingies go over the floor while i did it, went flawless:) Examiner happy again:)

Last exercise (after all the fast fun:S) was the figure 8.. Another feared exercise, and even though he let me have ANOTHER(!) retry, i failed it:( went too slow so couldnt control it well enough.. And the worst thing is i knew it>< And since the figure 8 and the slow slalom are in the same cluster, i didnt pass>< ARGGGH! Even with a 3rd try i was stupid enough to not do it better then, so i kinda deserved it...

So, more practising ahead, lame slow exercises, but well.. I kinda deserve that after my crappy performance on those:P At least the rest went perfect, so thats good for my ego.. I'm actually not even sad about it.. Had a nice ride home again, and got to the driving school with a smile on my face.. Everyone assumed i passed coz i was looking so happy.. lol>< My driving instructor told me he didnt think id perform this great under pressure (especially after dropping the motorcycle in the first exercise), i told him it kinda surprised me too, but that it went just fine. And he just said, no Ellen, it wasnt just fine, it was GREAT! 0.o ok.. I really gotta do something about my selfcriticism/-confidence.. So all in all, great exam, pity i ruined the slow exercises, that just wasnt nescessary.. Oh well, lucky theres always a retry:) And i had a nice ride:D

Exam

2009-02-25T07:44:00.001+01:00

Oooh today vehicle control exam! Kinda exciting:) Even though i missed 2 lessons (=3hour) last week, still going for it.. He said im his best student and im on exam level, so guess ill have to believe him on that.. I really hope ill make it, would be good for my ego:)

So tired...

2009-02-23T08:20:00.002+01:00

So i took those sleepingpills 2 days in a row.. Made me feel a bit better.. But since i got driving lesson tomorrow and exam wednesday i dont think its smart to take one on the evening before.. And besides, stuff thats so addicting cant be healthy for you, so i kinda dont wanna take them at all.. Problem is im just soooo tired:( And yesterday, the only day i could actually sleep long, i woke up at 9.. Not fair>< Uni and work today, lots of concentrating.. Gah.. This just asks for coffee><

Breakdown

2009-02-17T14:50:00.002+01:00

ok so.. an hour later... had an emotional breakdown, could only cry, so figured i should cancel motorlesson.. was so embarrassed about it that i let frank do it for me.. and with the exam next week and my feeling shit, felt even worse coz im prolly gonna fail that, and just look very stupid for making frank cancel the lesson for me... (besides the fact that its stupid to cancel your lesson half an hour before it starts)

mom and dad were all worried coz all i did was just cry and they made me call the doctor so they prescribed me sleepingpills for 5 days.. i just wish the psych would be back already and give me some diagnosis.. im getting so tired of myself, not doing anything.. i should get a studyrelated job at the start of april, and ofcourse, i havent done shit about that yet.. also i should book another theory exam since i failed the last one.. i just keep forgetting about it.. but since im even in doubt if im continuing my motorlessons atm, im not booking the exam yet.. im such a mess:( at least a bit more sleep will help i guess..

Soooo tired

2009-02-17T13:42:00.003+01:00

Got motorlesson soon and i dont wanna go.. again.. im so tired i could just sleep all day and night straight i think.. every night im up till about 3 coz i just cant sleep.. no matter how early i go to bed my head just keeps rushing, i cant relax.. even though im deadtired.. and now im finally at the point where im so tired i can sleep right away, and i have motorlesson... wonder if thats gonna be safe.. prolly alot of being yelled at, bruising my ego even more, or at least whats left of it.. its true, i cant do anything right lately, and i just cant help it><

AD(H?)D

2009-02-16T11:00:00.002+01:00

Mmh been doing some add research last few days.. ended up on a forum for people with add, posted my story there and got alot of recognition.. so i just called the psych if i can get tested asap.. theyre gonna call me back next week.. it might as well just be adhd btw, franks mom pointed out that i can never sit still, talk alot, and fast, and always fiddling or whaterver.. and yes, that also seems to be a form of hyperactivity.. how ironic would it be if i turn out to have adhd too>< oh well as soon as it has a name, we can start working with it.. and if i have my diagnose i can ask for a "personal wallet" so i can pay for a specialised psych with alooot of experience with adhd:) will be nice to finally meet one who understands what hes talking about.. for now i seem to be the only one.. even frank seems quite unaware of what it is, or at least what he can do about it.. just a general lack of self-insight i guess:S but then, that also goes for me since i didnt even see it in myself till 1.5 year after encountering an adhd bf.. loool im so stupid. oh well:P gotta get to class soon..

Failure

2009-02-11T16:10:00.002+01:00

as great and smooth as everthing used to go, as crappy it goes now.. i failed the exam bigtime, 9 errors instead of the 6 ur allowed to have.. i didnt even manage to get that in all the practise exams i did! its not fair>< i know how to drive ffs! if theyd just ask less retarded and more clear questions there wouldve been no problem.. and ofcourse remove that fucking timelimit coz i cant focus for 45min straight and if you have that much time to think about a question, its just natural to start doubting your answer.. at least for me.. and since i doubt everything lately anyway thats prolly pretty much what killed me.. realising 2 questions later you made this really stupid mistake, thereby being distracted for another at least 5 questions.. i dont even want to talk about it anymore, it just sux so much.. i always could pass everything i wanted at once, and for some reason lately i just cant do shit. and i hate it. i'm smart enough><

Theory

2009-02-11T10:41:00.001+01:00

aaaah i got my motor theory exam at 3pm! i hardly had enough focus to study but im almost through my book now and gonna practise some exams.. reallyreally hope ill pass... gonna study more now.. hope ill remember to keep you posted on the result:P

Mornings

2009-02-10T08:31:00.003+01:00

Theyre just the hardest part of the day for me.. I just had to make myself get up after like 5 hours of sleep.. Lying in bed thinking "oh god i cant function if im this tired" and all implications that will have for the rest of the day.. (be cranky at work, suck at motorlesson coz im not there with my head, not learn my theory exam and fail tomorrow, and feel even dumber than i already do, even though i KNOW i can easily pass it, if only i found a way to get studying:S) And at night, not being able to fall asleep, head just overflowing with all kinds of crap.. Its just the same thing over and over again..

I wish someone would just tell me where things are going wrong.. Dont tell me its just depression coz i dont believe that anymore. If it was just a winterdepression this fucking lamp should be working already, and obviously, it's not.. Mom says she noticed a difference but iduno exactly what she means.. Prolly a little less moody and a bit better rhythm.. Or so she thinks.. The thing noone sees is everthing i hide: the endless stream of thoughts, the not sleeping, the tiredness, the moodidness.. I know ppl dont want to see the crap anyway, so better just not show it right.. for as far as i can that is>< She did say i pull back into what she calls "my own world".. Laptoppin and not responding to anyone.. Its like the only thing that gives a little peace after a busy day, that or making japanese puzzles.. Anyway, next step: find a psych who can see me more than one hour a month and see if he/she wants to check me for add.. I just want to know whats wrong with me:(

New courses

2009-02-09T10:52:00.002+01:00

Leaving to uni soon, 2 new courses starting this week. I reallyreally hope i can stay focused.. last 2 real courses i have to finish, after that only the scription and 3 months working! Following 1 course with a good friend, so thatll help i guess:) and the other one is lead by my scription supervisor, so at least that feels safer in a way too. So i have good hopes for this period! Wednesday theory exam for motorlicense, hope ill make it coz i just cant really be bothered to open the books, duno why.. probably same reason why i dont do shit lately.. iduno..

Oh btw, went funshopping at ikea yesterday, turns out me and frank like the same things! Will save us alot of fighting over what to buy for in our house, since we're both quite stubborn:P Anyway, gotta go get ready for college, and just forced myself to go to some other reading after it, so i wont be home before 7:P Gotta stay busy i guess:)

Fix me

2009-02-08T00:49:00.002+01:00

When you try your best but you don't succeed

When you get what you want but not what you need

When you feel so tired but you can't sleep

Stuck in reverse.

And the tears come streaming down your face

When you lose something you can't replace

When you love someone but it goes to waste

Could it be worse?

~Coldplay

I just dont know what to do with myself

2009-02-07T22:09:00.002+01:00

another saturdaynight.. we were supposed to go to a concert, and maybe a bday after, but due to a change of plans, no concert, and just the bday now.. lots of people there i dont know, and after a day of working im so tired i dont feel like getting there after 11pm pretending to be someone im not.. it just makes me want to hide.

so now im just at home, let frank go there alone, so i wouldnt feel like i'm in the way.. at least he can have some beers with his best friend without a clingy girlfriend who'd rather just be at home.. he might (and prolly will) cycle and sleep here afterwards, guess after alot of beer when im asleep for a few hours already.. such a great saturdaynight.. why can i only feel shitty lately:( even though i was really relieved i didnt have to go to this bday, sitting at home sux too, just a bit less:S

A new way of motivating

2009-02-05T13:03:00.002+01:00

So i just came up with something that might work better than what im trying now.. I used to have alot of things to do, and a huge list with em on it, and then feel guilty over the fact that i still havent done shit everyday. So instead of a to do list, im gonna make a "have done list", so i can be proud of every little thing i do:) hope thats at least gonna make me feel a bit less guilty and hopefully a bit more productive.. gotta do at least 1 thing a day right:) ellen vs winterdepression: 1-0 :D

Just another winter day

2009-01-25T22:59:00.002+01:00

So.. you probably wonder why im not blogging alot lately.. i just dont really have anything to say, and what i have to say is nothing positive, so figured i might as well not blog at all then.. but before people start to think im dead (dont feel like talking to people either), here a sign of life:)

so how am i? still having a huge struggle with my winterdepression, been on light therapy for 2.5 week now but it doesnt seem to work as good as id want it to:( the only difference i notice is that i get out of bed easier in the morning, and that i can sometimes enjoy birthdays and social stuff now.. but i still cant get anything done, and doing "social" things is really really tireing for me atm.. moodswings are still huge, and ofcourse a crapload of frustration about the fact that im not functioning the way i want to..

its just so sad realising i messed up 1.5year (=3 winters) of my study coz of this stupid chemistry in my head... and the fact that light therapy is supposed to be somekinda miraculous medicine, and its just not working that well for me makes me even sadder.. am i really down that low that theyre gonna have to give me meds or stuff like that? sometimes i really think things just wont get better:( i want to do all kinds of things so bad.. but it just seems like i cant get anything done (or even started) now:( life atm feels like a constant disappointment, letting down others and myself, not feeling like me, all numb and sad.. i really just wish i could crawl in an egg or something and come out if everything is right again...

tomorrow another appointment with the psych.. i wonder what shes gonna say.. she probably hoped that that lamp would help too... gonna try sleeping now, at least my sleep-wake rhythm seems better now im using the lamp..